Invitation Etiquette
by Wedding Paper Divas
Children Guests…
If you’re not sure about whether or not a child of an invited couple should receive his or her own invitation, a good rule of thumb is that any young guest over 16 years old should receive his or her own invitation.
So, you think you know your friends do you? It’s been said a thousand times – if you want to know who your real friends are, just have a wedding. It brings out the best and worst in people. And, for some reason, even the (usually) most tactful, level-headed people do, ask and say some of the most tactless, rude and selfish things.
Take my friend Mary (names changed to protect the ‘not so’ innocent) for example. Mary is getting married in November. She has very specific ideas of how she wants her wedding to look (as most brides do), has picked out her exact colors to fall in line with her ‘not over the top’ Fall Theme – a warm sienna brown and burnt orange. She shares the exciting news along with decor ideas with her ‘friends’ who later become her bridesmaids who know full well the colors of the wedding. One would surmise at this point that being a bridesmaid will likely require you to wear one of these chosen colors. Also, one would surmise that accepting said responsibility of becoming a bridesmaid, you are ready to wear whatever your friend chooses because, let’s face it, that’s one of the main jobs of the bridesmaid. My friend Mary was cognizant of price and body shapes and struggled long and hard to accomodate both. So, she was befuddled, nay hurt when one bridesmaid in particular (we’ll call her Katy) tried to change Mary’s mind about the color she chose for the dress. “Okay” Mary thought, “Katy just wanted to express her opinion, we’ve talked it out, she understands this is the color I really want and that’s that.” A few weeks go by, and all women head to the dress shop to try on dresses when in a complete and total Bridesmaidzilla moment, Katy announces, “I don’t want to spend this kind of money on a dress I will never wear and if you can’t change the color, then I think I need to step down from being in your wedding”. Mary, understandably, was hurt, shocked and quite frankly kinda pissed. She stood her ground and explained to Katy that she was very sorry she felt that way, but that she would not be changing the color of the dress and hoped that she would still come to the wedding and enjoy herself as a guest (that’s the classy way to handle such a situation – you go Mary). Katy, probably being a bit shocked, proceeded to add salt to the wound by exclaiming, “well both me and [Maid of Honor] don’t like the color of the dress and wanted to tell you earlier”. Ummm, rude and immature much?
I feel horrible for my friend Mary. She is a good person who is not expecting more from a friend than any other Bride would. She is not requiring Katy to stuff her bra, get fake nails, dye her hair or any number of Bridezilla requests. She simply asked for her bridesmaid to wear her chosen color of dress as discussed ad nauseum prior to going to the dress shop. I am pissed that Katy is so selfish. How dare she turn what is supposed to be a fun and exciting day for everyone into a day/moment all about her. Quite frankly, who gives a rat’s butt what a bridesmaid is wearing? Who’s looking at her anyway? At the most, and I do mean at the most a bridesmaid could request to bring a change of clothes once all the pictures are done, but even that crosses the boundary into rude territory.
If you are ever asked to be a bridesmaid remember that this day is not about you. Selfish behavior is not acceptable from any party (Bridemaid, Bride, parents, etc.). Common courtesy and asking yourself if your actions or words could be hurtful before doing or saying something can go a long way. It is one day – wear the darn dress and get on with your life. Either you can afford to spend the money for your friend’s special day or not. It has nothing to do with spending money on a dress you will never wear again. If you couldn’t afford it, you should have said something when you were originally asked. If you know you’re too selfish, then decline immediately with honesty by explaining you simply don’t make a good bridesmaid.
It’s just ugly and gross to do this to someone you consider a friend.
The big question has been asked and answered and now you are officially engaged. You’ve let your families know and now it’s time to call all your friends. As you do, there will be likely some who say, “I better be in your wedding” and there will be some who you will likely say, “You have to be in my wedding”! Before you commit to agreeing or asking anyone, think for a bit on what will be required of your wedding party and whether the people you’re considering are truly up for the job – yes, it is a temporary job and it is a highly charitable one at that.
The bridesmaids, Maid of Honor, groomsmen and Best Man that you choose will also have to be made aware of not only what is traditionally expected of them, but how and what you will be expecting of them. Time and money are huge consideration.
Some of the duties of your wedding party are as follows:
Throw a bridal shower (bridesmaids/Maid of Honor)
Throw the bachelor/bachlorette party
Buy their own apparel, shoes, accessories
Make a reasonable amount of time available to you for going dress/tuxedo shopping, decor shopping, etc.
Helping to put together favors, invitations (incl. licking of stamps and possibly even hand addressing each envelope), or other decor items
Helping to keep you in a zen mood on your wedding day
Perhaps helping to set-up and take down decor on your wedding day
There is a lot of time and often money required of the wedding party. Be sure that whomever you ask to be a part of your day is the type of person who not only has the time, but you know is responsible enough to follow through on the many items that will be required of them. The last thing you want is one of your bridesmaids or groomsmen to have gotten so drunk at your wedding that she or he had to skip out early, miss a final picture with everyone and not be there to help clean up. This type of behavior could cause you and your groom to be cleaning up in your tux and gown when you should be celebrating the beginning of your marriage in your own hotel room.
Be clear on your expectations of your wedding party when you ask them to be a part of your day. If will be expecting them to buy their own dress/rent their own tuxedo, don’t assume that they will know that this is normal procedure. Also, take into consideration the formality of your wedding and the financial position of your wedding party. If you will be choosing a Vera Wang bridesmaid dress, you can’t expect your friend who is still in college and working part-time at a coffee shop to be able to afford such an expense. Explain to them what you expect they will be paying for and how much you think it may be. If you are dead set on a certain set of people, then you will need to have an open conversation with them and allow them to express their opinion and how much they think is fair and reasonable.
As with all things weddings, communication is the key. Good luck and have fun!
The Bridesmaid's Guerrilla Handbook
In weddings as in war, it always helps to be well prepared. With “biting good humor” (Indianapolis Star), The Bridesmaid’s Guerrilla Handbook
leads the bridesmaid through her tour of duty. Armed with this guide full of smart strategies and useful maneuvers, the bridesmaid will feel a little less frantic…and have a lot more fun.
Answers the questions:
Who should give the shower?
What’s expected of me during pre-wedding preparations?
Am I allowed to object to that hideous dress?
How much is this going to set me back?
Can I just say no?
Now, the armed bridesmaid can make the most of a harrowing ordeal-from dress fittings, to pink organza, and back to civvies.
So, here are the treasures I have discovered and ideas I have dug out of my creative soul to share with you this month…..
More and more the trend is leaning towards including your fiance in your wedding shower. Wedding showers have been centered around all sorts of themes to include both couple’s tastes. Choose activities that encourage interactions between your guests to make it interesting for both male and female guests. And this doesn’t mean playing silly games if that isn’t your cup of tea.
No, there are more creative ways to throw a wedding shower. Here are some quick examples:
Remember, games are not what make a party fun and in fact, most people cringe at the thought of them. If you set the stage for friends and family to simply enjoy chatting with each other, everything will run smoothly. Provide food that is appropriate for the time of day you’re throwing the shower and be sure to provide at least one alcoholic beverage and one non-alcoholic beverage.
These are just a few ideas, let your creative juices flow and I am sure you can come up with the perfect couples’ shower to fit the couple’s personalities.
You know what I hate? I hate that stupid wedding budgeter on The Knot. Sorry Knot, you are great for so many things, but that thing drives me cuckoo. A bride can put in any ol’ number she wants and it calculates where she should be spending her money. Well, let me tell you that entering a number doesn’t mean it’s a realistic number.
After speaking with many couples, especially in these tough economic times, I’ve come to realize that there isn’t a lot of REAL information for couples to base a realistic budget on. Did you know that the average cost of a wedding in San Diego is about $35,000? I think I just heard you gasp. Once you’ve caught your breath, let’s think about this for a minute. This is probably the first time you’ve thrown a party for 100+ people. Imagine how much you spend on a simple backyard bbq for 20 people. Now, multiply that by 5 times the number of people and 100 times more pomp and circumstance. Even the most simple and elegant wedding contains a certain set of elements and they all cost money. To help you see it all in black and white and understand where your money goes, I’ve inserted a handy dandy budget with average wedding costs in San Diego for 100 people. This may help you determine what is most and least important to you so you know where to spend your money and where to cut back. I hope it helps:
| Average Wedding Budget for approx. 100 people | ||
| Category | Average Amount | |
| Bridal Attire | $ 2,200.00 | Avg. cost of dress is $1500; plus shoes, veil, jewelry, undergarments, alterations, etc. |
| Groom’s Attire | $ - | Groom’s attire usually free w/groomsmen attire |
| Wedding Bands | $ 2,500.00 | |
| Reception | $ 12,000.00 |
Price based on location fee (or minimum req’d), food and appetizers; bar set-ups; gratuity; sales tax;bartender, rentals (tables, chairs); linen |
| Alcohol | $ 4,000.00 | |
| Ceremony site rental | $ 650.00 | |
| Cake | $ 500.00 | |
| Officiant’s fees | $ 350.00 | |
| Toasting Flutes/cake & knife servers | $ 60.00 | Again this is an avg. price based on $30 for each set – can easily be more |
| Favors | $ 200.00 | This number is based on $2 favors/person (not incl. tax & shipping) |
| Floral | $ 3,500.00 | This number is based on 10 tables of centerpieces not to exceed $75/centerpiece plus bouquets, boutonniers & basic ceremony floral décor |
| Reception Music DJ | $ 1,200.00 | This is an average price. There are DJ’s both higher & lower who are seasoned professionals |
| Ceremony musician | $ 400.00 | This number is based on a classic guitarist; trios & quartets are more |
| Photography | $ 4,000.00 | This number is based on a mid-priced but very good photographer for 6 1/2 hours (I recommend no less than 6 hours for a photographer) |
| Videography | $ 2,000.00 | Based on 1 videographer, 6 hours coverage |
| Invitations (incl. postage) | $ 200.00 | Based on Single layer invitations |
| Attendant’s gifts (based on 8 total) | $ 280.00 | |
| Wedding Consultant | $ 4,000.00 | Average full service price. Prices range from $1800-10,000+ for seasoned planners. |
| Total: | $ 38,040.00 | |
| *Note this budget does not include rehearsal dinner (often paid by groom’s family); limo transportation; lodging on wedding night; programs; or calligraphy | ||
Ok men, here is your chance to step up to the plate !
The groom needs support also, so take your role seriously. After all most likely you are helping your best friend, brother or a close relative through a very special but often nerve racking time.
So here is your list to keep you on track. Be prepared to serve as the go-to guy for information. Direct guests to the restrooms, cocktail areas and the reception site.
First, you will be paying for your wedding attire, just as the bridesmaids do, whether you are renting or buying a suit or tuxedo.
Be prepared to attend all pre wedding activities, such as engagement parties, couples showers, bachelor parties (of course) and the rehearsal dinner. Hey, there is going to be food at all of these gatherings ya know, it’s not so bad.
Help the best man plan the bachelor party. Oh don’t tell me you won’t have fun with this !
Help the best man plan, with the bridesmaids the honeymoon get away car – fun, fun, fun (but be tasteful please).
Usher guests to their seats before the wedding. When ushering a couple, you always take the woman’s arm and take her to her seat while the gentleman follows. If several guests arrive at the same time or in the same group, usher the oldest first.
Buy a gift just from you. The most favorite of gifts is a silver or leather flask, and having it monogramed is a nice touch. Sports tickets are also popular. Or you can go in on one outstanding gift from you and all the groomsmen. The gift should be the final good-bye to single life. So make sure the gift is just for the groom, not to the couple.
A groomsman also walks down the isle generally escorting a bridesmaid, and will often be introduced with her at the grand entrance into the reception area. There are even times when the groomsman dances with the bridesmaid he escorted down the isle.
Toasts. Some groomsmen say a few words at the rehearsal dinner or the reception. But please be appropriate with what you say, have fun, but remember this is a very special time in the grooms life and you want his memories to reflect that. Also, this is not about you, and it’s not a time to tell the groom’s life story – keep it short (less than 3 minutes), sweet and simple.
Mother;)
MOTHER KNOWS BEST…
by Sharon Tittle
When your friends and bridesmaids want to take you out after the rehearsal dinner to celebrate your last night as a single woman…Just say “NO” ! H. E. double hockie sticks NO!
This is not the time to go drinking and staying out late. You want your bridesmaids and especially yourself to look your best the next day. No “Bride of Frankenstein” dark circles under the eyes and no vampire blood shot eyes. AND BESIDES, you want to be at your best to party hardy the next night with your new husband !
Mother knows best ! (<;
Okay, so it’s not so much a definition as a guide.
A wonderful gesture of gratitude for those who have gone out of their way to make your day extra special, is tipping.
It’s up to you how much you tip, but the rule of thumb is it is usually based on the amount you have spent on the total service.
Because you will be occupied with having fun and there will be plenty of excitement on your big day, hand over the job of delivering the tips to your wedding coordinator. Your dad can be your 2nd choice if you have no coordinator (but who would be so crazy to not hire a coordinator at all?) 
Have all your tips (cash is usual) in separate envelopes and clearly labeled on the front, then hand them off to your coordinator at the beginning of the day.
Here is a breakdown of some usual and customary tips;
Coordinator: 15% to 20% of the total bill.
Photographer/Videographer: $20 to $25 each
Officiant: Between $100 & $200
Caterer & Wait Staff: 15% to 20% of the total bill
Banquet Manager/Maitre d’: $100 to $500, depending on the number of guests.
Bartenders: 10% of the total liquor bill
Delivery people: about $10 each person
Entertainment: $20 to $25 each member
Hair, Make-up and nails: 15% to 20% of the total bill
Parking Attendants/Valets: 15% to 20% of the total bill
Coat/Restroom Attendants: about .50 to $1.00 per guest
On all of the gratuities, make sure it isn’t already included in your total bill.
We get asked this question a lot and so I thought I’d write an article about the differences between a wedding planner, wedding coordinator, wedding consultant, designer, etc. Then, as luck would have it, someone in one of my groups found this post from a blog on The White Box: http://jcricketevents.blogspot.com/search/label/Hiring%20Wedding%20Professionals.
I chose to post it here as well.
A number of brides I have met are unsure of the sort of service they need. They have heard about consultants, managers, coordinators, planners, and designers who can help them, but what are the differences among these titles?
It is time to shed some light on this subject and help brides find the right assistance. Here’s how The White Box defines these many roles:
Event Consultants are hired much like a lawyer is hired. Consultants are often paid by the hour hour or per meeting. You hire them for their knowledge and their resources – they do not make plans for you. Hire a consultant if you need help getting started with wedding plans, outlining a budget, creating a timeline, finding great vendors, or if you have etiquette or planning-related questions. You may also seek a consultant who would be willing to put together a package of sorts that would allow you to meet with her once a month as you work through your plans or to email her your questions as they arise.
Event Managers are hired to manage your wedding day (sometimes known as a “day-of” coordinators or “DOC”). Event managers are not planners or designers. If you hire an event manager, YOU are the planner and designer of the event. The event manager’s job is to make sure your plans are executed on the event day. Hire an event manager only if you are highly organized and have a few hundred hours to devote to wedding planning, otherwise you need a higher level of service.
Event Coordinators are hired to coordinate the details of your wedding day. You will be part of the planning process, but the coordinator will help ensure that everything works together. Coordinators are not designers. They are type-A, left-brained timeline people who may not necessarily be aware of aesthetics on any level. Hire an event coordinator if you want to be involved in making a lot of decisions and plan on being heavily involved in the planning process.
Event Planners are hired to plan your event. Period. You’re getting married? Great! Give an event planner the date, time, venue (perhaps), budget, and any must-haves. Then your planner plans the event. End of story. You will have to do some work (i.e. create your guest list, respond to your planner’s questions, etc.). Hire an event planner if you don’t want to deal with the headaches of wedding planning. Do not hire an event planner if you can’t resist micromanaging her.
Event Designers are hired to design the decorative aspects of your event. It could be argued that all events are “designed” and some planners will refer to themselves as “designers” – these planners are actually both. They will research ideas for décor and layout and come up with ways to make your event unique and fabulous. They will not call the cake lady to find out when the cake stand needs to be returned. Often, designers will offer day-of decorating services to execute their designs as well. Hire an event designer if you’re more into planning than design, if you are having a hard time determining your style, or if you want to ensure your day is very cohesive and extra-special.
Many event planning companies, like The White Box and LifEvents, provide all five services, but usually specialize in a couple.
LifEvents and The White Box are the type of planners who like to think of the planning process as a design process, so when you hire them to plan your wedding, you get both! We also offer event coordination and event management, but these are not the best value if you are looking for the best service.
Wedding Don't - Don't End Up A Candidate for a Mastercard Commercial
Children Running at Wedding Photo courtesy of LusterStudios.com
Whether to invite children to your wedding is a common question and source of angst for many couples. It doesn’t seem to matter whether the couple has friends/family with many children or just a few – the question always arises and always stirs emotions. In an effort to minimize the drama that may be created by this issue, we are here to give you some pointers.
First, of course, you need to decide as a couple whether you love the idea of having children at your wedding. Does the thought of little Timmy dancing next to you during your first dance send shivers up your spine, or does it add that fun extra touch no one else has in their wedding pictures?
While a lot of couples would love the idea of having children at their wedding, the fact is, they are an extra added expense who quite frankly won’t appreciate the price tag. On the other hand, kids add that young energy to a wedding and everyone loves to see them skipping down the aisle. Ask yourself this are you an easy-going person who has dreamed of her wedding as an easy-going family affair,or a perfectionist who has dreamed of her wedding going exactly as planned? If you like everything to be “just so”, you may want to ‘just say no’ to kids at your wedding.
So once you’ve made the decision, you’ll want to figure out who among your invitees has or will have children. If you’ve decided to invite children, you’ll want to figure them into your budget (who will be eating kid’s meals, adult meals, no meals, etc.).
If you’ve decided to not invite children, you’ll want to make a few phone calls. Yes, you must speak to those with children to let them know in advance that you will be having an adults only wedding (or a wedding with an age limit such as 12 years of age & up). Don’t believe that just because you don’t add the children to the invitation people will know that the children aren’t invited – wedding etiquette isn’t on the top of everyone’s minds. Additionally, if you wait until the last minute to let someone know your wedding is kid free you may cause some unwanted drama. Be as polite and understanding to their situation so they can choose to either decline your wedding invitation in a timely manner or find a babysitter. This helps you have a better understanding of your final guest list as well.
Because a wedding is often a gathering of family members who don’t frequently see each other, many will expect to see everyone’s little ones at this type of event. If you have family that is spread out across the country, but you don’t want kids at your wedding, you may want to consider alternative options – hiring a babysitter for example, in a separate room, but at the same location as your reception, or even at a family members home, so everyone may visit with each other and no one feels left out.
In a perfect world, everyone would be understanding of your decision and acquiesce politely. Too bad we don’t live in that perfect world. If you do get people who insist that you are being unreasonable and that their little Timmy will be an angel, be sure to have the closest relative/friend talk to this person. For example, if your husband’s sister is insisting upon bringing her kids, it should be your fiancé who has a heart to heart with her and explains the reasons why you’ve decided not to invite children. Furthermore, if the person is a close relative or friend of your parents, you should ask your Mom or Dad to explain the situation to their relative/friend. In both instances, as a follow up, an invitation to have them all over for dinner (or something like this) would be a nice gesture.
In the end, compassionate communication is always key. If you communicate to your potential guests and you are compassionate about their situation, more often than not, they will return the favor. In order to minimize miffed feelings and help yourself, parents, and fiancé, you may want to come up with a pre-determined ‘script’ for spreading the word. Something to the effect of, “After reviewing our budget and the style of our wedding, we came to the very difficult decision that an adults-only wedding was the most reasonable way to go.” This should help minimize any hurt feelings and communicate that your decision isn’t based on whether you like their children or not.
There is a lot to think about and a lot to do. It is a fun experience, but can be a lot of hard work. If you find that you just don’t have the time and want more time to enjoy the journey, please contact a coordinator to discuss how they can help you. Most wedding coordinators would be happy to meet with you for a free consultation to see how they can meet your needs.
I bought this book at the Annual Association of Bridal Consultants’ conference (http://www.bridalassn.com/) and read it cover to cover when I got home. This book is truly inspirational for those who want to organize in a chic fashion.
I think I may have gone a little nutty at the Container Store (http://www.containerstore.com/), but my office and kitchen and linen closet…are beautifully organized now.
Not only is it a guide on organizing your life, but it also gives you fantastic tidbits of information from how to throw the perfect dinner party (with recipes included) to helping you to be the best possible host you can be. This book is as practical as it is elegant.
Honestly, I have tagged this book with many note tags and go back to read it repeatedly. While I’m not quite the chic organized maven yet (I do have a 9 month old son and alas clean laundry is not always folded immediately), I am well on my way.
You can find this book at Amazon (http://www.amazon.com/) or enter “Colin Cowie Chic” into your Google browser (http://www.google.com/) to find more information.
San Diego Family Hotels 
